Masturbating while reading the details of a sexual harassment lawsuit.

Eating shitty fast food, then telling people you made a delicious salad.

Hoping the accident causing this horrible traffic justifies the wait.

Calling any neighborhood that isn't predominantly white "sketchy."

Being white, male and American. And being seen.

Eating an entire jar of Claussen's pickles by yourself, in one sitting, and then drinking some of the juice.

Waking up your boyfriend because you're horny.

Dropping your roommate's toothbrush in the toilet.

Reading / writing blogs while at work.

Getting stoned at 1:00 PM because you don't have anything better to do.

Leading you on.

Secretly liking Creed.

Not getting The Life Aquatic with Steve Zizzou at all.

Stealing Netflix movies and reporting them lost in the mail.

Being American.

Walking past the "just a penny" guy and telling yourself you'd pay a million pennies if he'd just shut the fuck up.

Having your parents pay for an expensive education and continuing to fail to return on that investment.

Not checking your balance when you go to the ATM for the third time on Friday night because ignorance is bliss.

Never answering the phone when your mother calls.

Stealing other people's condiments out of the office fridge.

Taking the elevator at the gym.

Having been born.

Taking two-hour naps in the middle of the day.

Pretending you didn't see the elderly woman on the train and remaining in your seat.

Stinking up the office bathroom.

Never giving money to charity.